First And Second Law Of Philosophy
The First Law of Philosophy:
For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy:
They’re both wrong.
Dont Mess With Satan
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and [...]
Genie Gives Double
A man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle. When he rubbed it, a genie appeared.
“Master,” the genie said, “Thank you for letting me out of my thousand year prison. For this, I will grant you three wishes. The catch is, that every lawyer will get twice what you get. After all, [...]
Johnny Wants A Promotion
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, Johnny.
”I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!”
The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office.
While Johnny waited [...]
Another Glass Of Water
John: Please Sir! Can I go and get a glass of water?
Teacher: You’ve had five in the last ten minutes, John.
John: I know but the fire in the waste paper basket is still burning.
Fools & Wise Men
Teacher: Now remember children. It is only fools who are certain. Wise men think before they speak.
John:Are you sure, Sir?
Teacher: I’m certain ,John! Quite certain!
Jar Of Olives
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
“Well,” said [...]
The Breathalyzer Test Reading
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his.
Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for [...]
I Didnt Mean To Kill Him
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.
The Ants’ star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants’ goal when the [...]
Liver & Cheese
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a cool one when a good-looking female Belgian Tervuren comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”
So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.”
The Belgian says, “That’s not good [...]