Five cannibals (Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees”.
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
Real Definition of BOSS:
“Boss is a person who thinks that nine women together can produce a child in one month….!!!!
Shared By : Gaurav Dhadwal
Now, we all are on the verge of becoming managers in your fields…. Â Take some good managerial skills to make it work….. Â Programmer to Team Leader:
â€œWe canâ€™t do this proposed project. **CAN NOT**. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they canâ€™t. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these type of projects.â€
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing.
On the last day the departing manager tells him, “I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can’t solve.”
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong – the usual stuff – and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope.
On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, “How much do you earn?”
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, “I earn 5000Â a month, Sir. Why?”
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed 15000Â cash and gave it to the young man and said, “Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty!! Here is 3 months’ salary, now GET OUT and don’t come back”. Â The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight. Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, “And that applies for everybody in this company”. Â He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, “Who ‘s the young man that I just fired ?” Â To which an amazing reply came of, “He was the pizza delivery man, Sir!”
NEW RULES FOR EMPLOYEES
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.Â To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in acage.
He asked the clerk, “how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was $250.
“$250”, the man said. “Well what does he do?
“He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk. “He can do all of your Spreadsheets and type all of your letters.”
It’s a fine sunny day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk. Â Fox: “What are you working on?”
Rabbit: “My thesis.”
Fox: “Hmm… What is it about?”
Rabbit: “Oh, I’m writing about how rabbits eat foxes.” Â Fox: “That’s ridiculous ! Any fool knows that rabbits don’t eat foxes!”
It’s a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk. Â Fox: “Do you know the time, because my watch is broken” Â Lion: “Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you” Â Fox: “Hmm… But it’s a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even moreÃ¢â‚¬Å“ Â Lion: “Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed” Â Fox: “That’s ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches” Â Lion: “Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed” Â The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.
With a pile of 300 rÃ©sumÃ©s on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on the bottom 50 and toss the rest.Â
“Throw away 250 rÃ©sumÃ©s?” I asked, shocked.
“What if the best candidates are in there?”
“You have a point,” he said. “But then again, I don’t need people with bad luck here.”