A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying “I differentiate you!”

One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said “I differentiate you!”, but for once, his victim’s expression didn’t change.

The maths teacher and the English teacher went out for a quick pizza after school.

“How long will the pizzas be?” asked the maths teacher.

“Sorry, Sir” replied the waiter, “we don’t do long pizzas, just ordinary round ones.”

What’s the longest piece of furniture in the school?

The multiplication table.

If you add 20,567 to 23,678 and then divide by 97 what do you get?

The wrong answer.

The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, “You’re soft fuzzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit.”

The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said “You’re slimy, beady-eyed and low on the ground. You must be the maths teacher.”

Why did the math teacher take a ruler to bed with him?

He wanted to know how long he would sleep.