Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:
“Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.â€
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow.
But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: “Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck.”
Said the officer to the soldier, “Private, why did you salute that refrigerator?”
The soldier replied, “Because it was General Electric.”
“And that jeep?” the officer asked.
Replied the soldier, “Because it was General Motors.”
“Well,” snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. “I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave.”
“Not me, Serge!” the private replied. “Once I get out of the Army, I’m never going to stand in line again!”
During training exercises, the Lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
“Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
“Nope,” replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, “Yours is.”
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language.
For example,
if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
How many military information officers does it take to change a light bulb?
At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?”
“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”
The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant.
“Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”