South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register.  When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled–leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag.  While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a “handicap” is.  The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does–backward!  A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Arizona: A company called “Guns For Hire” stages gunfights for Western movies, etc.  One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed.  She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence.  For payment, he
provided the court a check–a *forged* check.  He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his
head–and realized that he’d forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole–are you ready for this?–the bank’s video camera.  While it was recording.  Remotely.  (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown):  A man successfully broke into a bank’s basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process.  He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed “911″ for help …

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator.  Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a  refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy.  Banging up *more*  walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck–so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.  When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.  The man took the cash from the clerk and fled– leaving the $20 bill on the counter.  The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?  Fifteen dollars.

The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then we need a urine sample.”

“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

“Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m too drunk to do that.”

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?” The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said – “Well yeah, if that’s what they are, I never heard of circle flies”.

So the farmer says- “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey—wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.” The Trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, “Hard to fool those flies though.”

Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are!!!

Shared By : Eric Thames